“Superman IV: The Quest for Peace” (1987)
It feels like we’ve been calling out this one quite frequently of late, most recently as part of our Worst Superhero Villains piece, but lest you think that’s some sort of tacit bid to get ‘Supes 4’ reclaimed as a cult favorite, let us quickly disavow you: this movie stinks. And as bad as the plot and the script are (Luthor creates Nuclear Man to defeat Superman; they fight on the moon; Superman wins) and as utterly amateurish the effects and costumes, the worst aspect is seeing the great Gene Hackman teamed with the most annoying sidekick/nephew character ever created in Jon Cryer’s Lenny Luthor. This film truly put two in the heart and one in the head of a franchise that had been on trembly legs since the dire “Superman III,” and even Christopher Reeve looks profoundly uncomfortable throughout in a role he pretty much owned otherwise.
Nadir: Anything with Cryer in it, but since we can’t find any clips of him (the only explanation is the internet has gone sentient and is protecting itself) here’s a battle scene that hints at what we’re getting at.
No one was really expecting “R.I.P.D” to be good. It was a hugely expensive summer movie that was delayed an entire year, starring the coming-off-a-series-of-flops Ryan Reynolds, and that was released, in a bid to keep marketing costs down, with little fanfare by Universal. But few were probably expecting it to be as bad as it actually was. “R.I.P.D” isn’t a film like “Hudson Hawk” or “Waterworld,” fair-to-middling movies tarnished with the brush of being a gigantic flop. It’s a rancid, unfunny disaster that probably deserved to lose the people who made it the eight figures that it did. A cynical attempt to exactly meld “Men In Black” and “Ghostbusters” (though it is, at least, based on a presumably equally cynical comic book), it pairs an adrift Ryan Reynolds with an over-the-top Jeff Bridges to battle yet another shitting portal in the sky and Kevin Bacon, who you partly suspect might have died early in production and is being pushed around “Weekend At Bernie’s”-style by some poor PA. It’s never funny, the effects and design are dreadful, and it’s never interesting. If anything, it deserved to do worse.
Nadir: The moment where you realize that Ryan Reynolds’ character has literally done nothing the entire film.
Really, the signs were there with the godawful pun right there in the title, but we still came out of “Speed 2” stunned at how risibly awful it was, despite being from the same director as the terrific “Speed” and bringing back newly-minted star Sandra Bullock. Set on an ocean liner this time, with a blocklike Jason Patric making us really miss the comparatively Shakespearean range of Keanu Reeves (I know!), and featuring a villain in Willem Dafoe whose defining characteristic is that he believes in bleeding himself with leeches, there is no point at which this film even scrabbles its fingertips at believability. Which would be fine if it were at all exciting, but you know, big lumbering boats just don’t go that fast—a problem, given the title and supposed premise.
Nadir: People literally strolling away in terror as the ship approaches the marina. Slowly. You get a bit of it in this fan-made homage to the guy who does the knots countdown.
Barring a glorious surprise with the upcoming fourth installment, none of Michael Bay’s “Transformers” movies are any good. But the first film at least has its Spielberg-approved boy-and-his-car story to ground things, and the third has the most impressive mayhem in its admittedly over-extended third act. The middle installment, “Revenge Of The Fallen,” has neither of these things. Instead, it has a generic, formulaic plot that essentially replicates the first film (perhaps a side-effect of the writers strike, though that Kurtzman, Orci and Ehren Kruger were the credited writers suggests that you were never going to get much on the page), noisy action, not one but two resurrections of characters thanks to a bullshit MacGuffin, endless action sequences that still don’t find a way to actually tell the fucking characters apart, an increasingly hateful lead performance by Shia LaBeouf, random pot-brownie gags and an increasingly thick vein of misogyny (Megan Fox posed ludicrously on motorbikes, an attractive woman who tries to seduce LaBeouf only to LITERALLY TURN OUT TO BE A TRANSFORMER), and an even thicker one of racism. Even for defenders of Bay, this one’s inexcusable.
Nadir: The jive-talking robots Skids and Mudflaps, caricatures so racist that they’d be shocking in the 1940s.
“Xanadu” (1980)
We’ve mostly tried to avoid films that fall into the “so bad they’re good” category, but that line is definitely blurred with the almost preternaturally campy disco musical “Xanadu.” While it is undoubtedly terrible, featuring nonsensical plotting and dreadful wooden acting, not least from Olivia Newton-John whose register is stuck on “wholesome Aussie on skates” when she’s supposed to be a mysterious semi-divine muse sent to help lunkheaded artist Sonny (Michael Beck) find his talent, it is so gleefully, day-glo, video-effect terrible that it’s quite entertaining. And there are even (brief) moments when it’s almost good, with Gene Kelly’s flashback dance with a 40s siren (also Newton-John) a creditable routine that’s oddly touching. That said, what’s endearing is the cheesiness of a film that has no idea how bad it is, nor that the flash-in-the-pan roller-disco aesthetic it revels in is not, in fact, going to last forever. Or even the week.
Nadir: Any moment when no one’s dancing or singing or skating and you’re suddenly aware they thought they were making a film here.
Great list.
star wars,transformers, why are those on here they weren't that bad or batman and robin what was wrong with that!!!!????
A tardy comment to express unapologetic love for Far And Away! All he knew was Joseph loves Shannon. THAT WAS ALL HE KNEW.
……six years before it blew its nose on âWatchmen,â ………
Watchmen was actually a pretty decent, faithful and watchable movie that gets bashed on for no reason. It was not as good as the graphic novel. But Watchmen the graphic novel is a monument of achievement for any piece of art. To expect a film adaptation to come even close to it is unrealistic.
The attack sequence of Pearl Harbor is fantastic. The love triangle is of course dreck, and the Doolittle Raid addendum they tacked on so the movie wouldn't end with America on the losing side feels rushed, but the titular event the film exists to portray is solid.
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Rolling from the past into the future. It works always !
For me the absolute Fantasy Masterpieces.
Willow, Goonies, Legend and Krull.
I actually liked Masters Of The Universe when I was a kid but I haven't seen it in a long time. I do often like cheesy movie so I'd probably still like it.
Yet another blogger misunderstands The Phantom Menace. It was never solely about a trade embargo, and the various aliens are only projections of a viewer's own inherent racism (which I'm sure you've been told about and decided to ignore anyway), leaving the rest to baseless subjective expectation, as if Lucas owed anything to a bunch of faux stockholders. Oh, but at least we got a tired "childhood rape" meme out of it. Way to contribute to being "fans", internet.
"The jive-talking robots Skids and Mudflaps, caricatures so racist that theyâd be shocking in the 1940s."
This is getting to be real annoying. Why are 'jive talking' robots racist? Much like the 80's were characterized by the california surf craze and the hippyish 'cowabunga man' way of talking, today is about the urban centers. Like it or not, 'jive talking' is beyond blacks and beyond urban ghettos. It's all races, all localities, and there's nothing racist about it.
Some real stinkers on this list. A few observations:
– A friend once said "I beg you not to watch Speed 2." I should have listened to him.
– Batman & Robin was bad, but I didn't hate it. I thought Batman Forever was much worse.
– The raven flying out of Jonah Hex's mouth was one of the funniest things I've seen in years.
– I enjoyed Masters of the Universe. I was a teenager at the time, but still…
"Likable star Ryan Reynolds"
What?! What?! WHAAAAATT?!?!?!
I agree with most of these, although Jonah Hex is getting a bit of a bad rap here. Lordy, it's a terrible movie, but I actually enjoyed myself at it. The second Pirates film comes to mind as one that was wayyyyy worse.
Slumdog Millionaire
i actulley love almost alot of these films, watched Batman & Robin alot when its on tv like the Hub or IFC. i also liked Phantom Menace, Green Lantern, Super Mario Bro &, The Happening(better then M Night's last 2 films)
Feels like there were a lot of bad movies in 1987.
Star Wars Episode I wasn't that bad as reviews gave it, yes Jar Jar Binks was annoying, but I saw it 5 times in theatres
After the awesome "Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home", which until the new JJ Abrams Trek came out was the most successful Star Trek movie out of all of them (U.S. Box Office when adjusted for inflation is 230 million, but I bet that's low), the atrocity known as "Star Trek V: The Final Frontier" premiered in June of 1989. It grossed less than half of "Home" and is considered by most to be the worst film of the franchise.
"'Rocky V' is very hard to sit through; 'Lost in Space' we've all kind of forgotten about but yep, it was shit."
Not defending their quality (they have none), but the former was released in November, 1990, and the latter in April '98 (famously unseating Titanic at the top of the weekend charts). So neither belongs on a summer list anyway.
Where is the shit that is The Hangover 3? Only fair if you have Sex and City 2. Oh, and I'll defend Cocktail til I die!
I disliked Pirates 4 more than Pirates 3 by a distance.
Masters of the Universe is a great movie. Shame on you all…..
I HAVE THE POWER!!!!!!!!!!
Went to a $1 theater and sat through a double-feature of Jaws 4 and Superman 4 when I was a kid. I have never paid $1 to watch a movie again. So that meant watching "Phantom Menace" at full price.
For those who can, or are brave enough to, remember Max Payne. Or better yet, don't.
You definitely picked the wrong Shyamalan. "The Happening" is bad, but not "The Last Airbender"-bad. Not even close.
Seen most of these movies. I love League of Extraordinary Gentlemen just because it was so terrible. But Green Lantern… wow. God awful.