Review: Third Time’s The Charm For ‘Twilight: Eclipse’? Kinda.

Of course, “Hard Candy” and “30 Days of Night” filmmaker Slade isn’t entirely to blame. He brings an unprecedented style to the vampire soap opera that wasn’t present in Chris Weitz’s “New Moon” or Catherine Hardwicke’s “Twilight,” even with “The Road” director of photography Javier Aguirresarobe helping out in this third installment. However, all attempts at cinematic legitimacy and visual verve get smothered by a plodding story and acting straight from the Hayden Christensen School of Drama. And having Kristen Stewart’s Bella Swan read from Robert Frost to open the film certainly doesn’t cast the heavy dialogue in a good light. The lines sound like what an adult might imagine to be written in an angsty, lovesick teen’s journal (blog? Are we dating ourselves here?).

Slade’s horror background is evident from the film’s first scene, which introduces a new vampire villain to the franchise. On a dark Seattle night, a teen (Xavier Samuel) is stalked by something that leaves him writhing in pain on the wet ground. Switch to a flowery meadow (seriously), where Bella and her be-fanged beau Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson, still lifeless) bask in the sun, while she reads poetry and he glitters in the light (again, seriously) to a cheesy piano score, courtesy of Howard Shore. Edward again proposes, “Marry me,” while she counters with, “Change me,” in an attempt to live forever just like Edward.

But alas, their idyllic existence and romantic romps cannot last — and thank God, because we have a sensitive gag reflex (says the devotee of “Bright Star”). Vampiress Victoria (Bryce Dallas Howard, replacing Rachelle Lefevre) wants vengeance for the death of her partner, and she thinks that killing Bella will cause Edward as much pain as she has experienced. She tears through the woods near Forks, Washington, with the whole Cullen clan on her pale heels. But Victoria’s reappearance isn’t the only cause of strife in ‘Eclipse’; the love triangle between, Edward, Bella, and werewolf Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner) grows ever more tense, with Edward baring his teeth and Jacob baring his abs, much to the delight of the hormonal teens and twentysomethings, etc. in the audience (our theater sounded like it came equipped with a “Saved by the Bell” audience track thanks to all the “woos” and “awws” from what we were hoping were pubescent viewers). They can’t agree on anything but their love for Bella and their desire to keep her safe, and that need alone may unite both Edward and Jacob, as well as the vampires and the werewolves.

While “New Moon” was all about Bella whining and trying to kill herself through her Edward’s absence (and us turning temporarily religious to pray for the mental health of impressionable teenage girls), at least there’s plenty of action in “Eclipse.” This doesn’t only improve the film a little, but it gives us something new to complain about. Considering how much Summit has made off the franchise ($1 billion worldwide from the first two films), you’d think they could at least improve the special effects, particularly for the vampires’ inhumanly fast runs and the larger-than-life werewolves movements. They’ve improved the CGI for the werewolves when they’re relatively still, but when fighting, they look as ridiculous as horse-sized wolves should.

In addition to actors like Howard, Catalina Sandino Moreno, and the always enjoyable Anna Kendrick slumming it, the swoonworthy bands featured on the soundtrack might make an indie rock fan cry more than the overwrought melodrama ever could. Beck and Bat for Lashes collaborate on “Let’s Get Lost,” which plays during a silly love scene, and songs from Battles, The Dead Weather, Band of Horses, Fanfarlo, and other indie stalwarts add just a bit of credibility to the drama. On the bright side, at least exposing teens to fantastic music from solid bands will give them something worthwhile to weep along with when they’re feeling heartbroken.

This isn’t as painful as it’s predecessors, but that doesn’t mean that there’s finally an entry point for the uninitiated into the series. “Eclipse” still features dialogue that will make non-fans wonder at the saga’s popularity, and Stewart, Pattinson, and Lautner are nearly charmless. There’s some small attempt at turning Bella into an independent woman who isn’t helpless without her man, but it’s still enough to make former Jane readers cringe.

Despite the issues of non-fans, it must be acknowledged that this will make the devoted sigh and giggle like the teenagers they are (or remember being). There are plenty of shirtless teenage heartthrobs, romantic dialogue, and supernatural battles that bring Meyer’s novels to barely breathing life, which should be enough to sate the lust of the series’ millions of fans. Meanwhile, it gets simply an oh-so-teenage “Whatever” from us. [C-]