Review: Cirque Du Shit: ‘The Vampire’s Assistant’ Sucks

Vampires are all the rage these days. Between “True Blood” and the unstoppable “Twilight” franchise, it seems like everyone is rushing out to capitalize on the bloodsucker craze (is The CW’s hastily put together “Vampire Diaries” even on the air anymore?)

When Universal optioned “Cirque du Freak,” the first in a 10 book (!) series from Irish author Darren Shan, they must have thought they hit pay dirt. Not only would the film appeal to fans of vampires and horror movies, but with its teen-centric cast and fantasy elements, they probably thought they could tap into the “Harry Potter” market too.

Wrong on both counts.

The newly re-titled “Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant” (which is a combination of the titles of the first and second books in the series – thanks Google!) is absolutely dreadful and won’t appeal to either crowd, really. It’s not scary or sexy enough to get the vampire fans going, and they’ll be put off by the goofy childishness of the plot. Meanwhile, fans of “Harry Potter” aren’t going to necessarily get down with all the ghoulishness either. It’s a movie made for no one, trying to appeal to everyone.

“The Vampire’s Assistant” starts out with a wonderful title sequence (the score was done by “Hedwig & the Angry Inch’s” Stephen Trask, and it’s mostly brilliant when it doesn’t fall into sub-Danny Elfman theatrics), followed by us meeting the wooden main human characters – Darren (the robotic Chris Massoglia) and Steve (a slightly more personable Josh Hutcherson). Darren is the good kid that doesn’t do anything wrong, but feels pressured to be a square by his equally square parents. Steve is a bad influence, obsessed with horror movie stuff like vampires and getting Darren into trouble.

One night they are invited to the titular freak show, and are dazzled by the array of grotesqueries on display. At this point in the movie, you might be thinking “Hey, this could be fun.” After all, a misshapen and monolithic Ken Wanatabe shows up as a character named Mr. Tall. And during the show, a surprising number of strong character actors are trotted out, each with an intriguing deformity/ability, among them Salma Hayek as a bearded lady (who is also psychic, or something); Orlando Jones as Alexander Ribs (a man with no midsection); Jane Krakowski as Corma Limbs (she can regrow body parts); “Almost Famous'” Patrick Fugit as a lizard man; Frankie Faison as Twobellies (he can swallow anything!); and “Flight of the Conchords'” Kristen Schaal as a woman with huge teeth who can bite stuff in half. (Effects man Tom Woodruff, Jr. too shows up as a Wolfman, in one of the most startlingly bizarre creature designs we’ve seen in a while.)

Then the main event takes the stage – John C. Reilly as Crepsley, a vampire who has control of a mutant spider. You see Darren loves spiders, so he sneaks backstage after the show to steal the vampire’s spider (not a great idea). While back there, he sees his headstrong friend Steve confronts Crepsley, asking him to be turned into a vampire. Crepsley refuses and Steve vows revenge.

A bunch of boring stuff happens, and Darren is forced to become a half-vampire to save his friend Steve. (We’re still not really sure what “half-vampire” means, but it made us think of “The Lost Boys,” which only made us wish we were at home, watching “The Lost Boys.”)

So now Crepsley is young Darren’s mentor in the ways of vampirism and freakishness. And all those interesting side characters, with all their color and abilities, they’re just pushed to the background. Literally. Most of the supporting cast probably has less than five words. And this is to say nothing of Willem Dafoe, who shows up in kabuki makeup as some kind of vampire dignitary, and disappears just as quickly.

John C. Reilly has always had a nimble comic ability, and occasionally he gets to shine in that capacity (he has a great speech when he first comes out to meet the small town audience that has gathered for the freak show), but with his doughy face and nice guy demeanor, he’s not particularly threatening. And he’s no Obi-Wan Kenobi, either. His attempts at paternal guidance and mentorship come off as weird and ironic, lacking the necessary emotional punch.

As the movie progresses there are badguys (including Broadway actor Michael Cerveris as the globular Mr. Tiny) and lots of talk about destinies and prophecies and the war between vampires, who are more or less cuddly and the “vampanese” (ugh) who are killers. This kind of destiny nonsense is such a burden to these kinds of movies. It’s confusing and unnecessary and seems placed there the assumption that there will be nine more movies (SPOILER ALERT: there won’t be). The overall effect is that the movie feels like a television pilot that’s so bad we have no interest in seeing the series.

The characters are largely one dimension, the lead kids are atrocious, the digital effects work is poorly conceptualized (one of the vampire’s abilities is to “flit” – which is to say run really quickly, which somehow equals trailing a rainbow of chunky colors behind you), and the movie is just flat. For a movie about freaks, its colorless and drab, boring to its core. This could have been a kind of post-millennial “Lost Boys,” but there’s not underlying theme, and the movie is saddled with a PG-13 rating, so the catharsis of the kill is left as yet another bloodless whimper. [D] — Drew Taylor