Recap: ‘Game of Thrones’ Season 6, Episode 9 ‘Battle of the Bastards’ Goes Wildin’ Out

Davos (Liam Cunningham) turns down Tormund’s (Kristofer Hivju) super appetizing offer to get crunked on sour goat’s milk (he hates “grape water,” and I’m never calling wine anything else ever again). Tormund was bringing the LOLs this ep, which were sorely needed. Davos instead discovers the pyre where little Shireen was burned and has a sad and melancholy moment with the little stag he carved for her. It’s not lost on Davos that Stannis sacrificed his daughter for luck at Winterfell, and just maybe she will be with them.

Ultimately, Sansa knows her husband well. Ramsay does play a game. It’s called “Run to Your Brother,” and he sends Rickon running across the pitch, darting arrows, luring Jon straight into a trap, knowing that he’ll charge forward unprotected in a naively noble, misguided attempt to save his brother. He waits until Jon is out, far away, unguarded, within reach of Bolton arrows and cuts Ricky down with an arrow to the chest.

The two armies clash and it’s complete mayhem, bodies piling up and muddy rugby scrums of jostling, panicked soldiers. The Boltons are better organized, and surround Team Stark with a wall of shields and spears. Jon is trampled, and Tormund bites out Lord Umber’s (Dean S. Jagger) throat, and the Starks would have been done for had not Sansa written Littlefinger (Aiden Gillen) and the Knights of the Vale swoop in at the last minute. Sansa sits atop the hill smiling queenly next to Baelish. Odd that she wouldn’t have mentioned this piece of information to Jon during their planning meeting, but maybe she wants the heroic credit?

Jon and Tormund and Wun Wun (Ian Whyte, who also, fun fact, played Gregor Clegane in Season 2) batter their way into Winterfell where Ramsay has changed his mind—a one on one fight is a good idea. Especially because he has the arrows. Jon, on killing autopilot, skillfully evades the arrows and starts to pummel Ramsay to death, until he remembers that oh, this is his sister’s privilege.

So Sansa gets her revenge and she keeps her hands clean too, thanks to his hounds. She visits Ramsay in his cell and the spouses have a chat. For the pregnancy truthers out there, Ramsay sneers “you can’t kill me, I’m part of you,” at her. Taken literally: yes, maybe she’s with Bolton child. That would not be cool, and it would have been great if Sansa got to fling the fetus at Ramsay before he died. But it’s almost worse if to take it metaphorically. The trauma inflicted upon her by Ramsay will never go away, and the vengeful fire may have led her to retake her home of Winterfell, but what else might it do to her? She’s thinking like her nemesis, siccing his dogs on him while he’s tied to a chair, which is, on the one hand, a death he entirely deserves, a satisfying ending for all the horror she’s had to endure, and on the other hand, kind of scary that she’s taken up the tools of the oppressor. For the moment, we can enjoy Sansa’s smirk as she walks away, a dog chewing on Ramsay’s face. But who will she become now? Is she still all Stark?

Meereen

Oh yeah, there was some other queenly shit with the other Targaryen (you know who the other one is) across the Narrow Sea that went down this week. Daenerys (Emilia Clarke) is none too happy with Tyrion (Peter Dinklage) that the slave masters are firebombing Meereen (honestly, is it really his fault?). While she’s getting ready for a slave master BBQ, Tyrion helpfully reminds her and us (HINT HINT MAJOR HINT) that her crazy ol’ dad, the Mad King Aemon, planned to burn down King’s Landing with wildfire that he (HINT HINT) stored all over the city (OH MY GOD COULD THEY TELEGRAPH THAT CERSEI IS GOING TO BURN DOWN THE CITY ANY MORE??).

He’s all, let’s do it another way, and then they totally bait and switch the audience and the slave masters. Dany pretends to surrender, the dragons show up, she goes for a ride, roasts a few boats, Grey Worm (Jacob Anderson) slashes a few throats, and Daario Naharis (Michiel Huisman) leads a horde of Dothraki to behead the Sons of the Harpy. Fuckin’ metal. Mad Kween Lyfe! Tyrion seems okay with this, not like he had a choice.

Later, she and T take a meeting with Yara (Gemma Whelan) and Theon Greyjoy (Alfie Allen), who have made quick work getting to Meereen. Dany’s instantly in on their alliance as soon as Theon makes it clear that he’s not interested in the crown, this is a very #ImWithHer situation. The arrangement? Their boats, if Dany sets the Iron Islands free. The catch: no raping!

Dany seems to love the idea of another queen in the room, and there’s even a shiver of sapphic tension between the two power-hungry and ruthless women. “I’m up for anything, really,” Yara quips. And in yet another touching Father’s Day tribute, everyone talks about how terrible their dads were and how they’re all going to be different, yay! We will see about that, Mad Kween…

Next week: finally we get some kind of trial/shame walk, or possibly King’s Landing up in flames. Maybe Bran will show up again. Arya? Jon v. Sansa power struggle?

Pour one out for Ramsay with Iwan Rheon’s new album, it may erase some of those bad feelings with have about Lord Bolton.

See you all again next week, same great time, same great place.