OK, so fucking “Street Fighter,” the awesome early ’90s video game that we all wasted a lot of time and quarters playing.
There’s a remake film acomin’, and there’s lot of people cast as fighting champions in the game, however, a lot of the key characters in the original “Street Fighter II” game (the classic one) are missing (at least, so far).
If and when these classic characters appear in the “Street Fighter: Legend of Chun-Li” script and are therefore in need of casting, we offer what we think are wise and spot-on suggestions. Some of these picks are so brilliant, sometimes we think we should go into the casting business.
Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson as Dee Jay
Ok, the part of a goofy and jittery Jamaican guy who loves to dance as much as he does to fight, who do you cast? Holy shit, did you see “Southland Tales”? Minus the patois and the love of dance, this pretty much nails Hudson’s buffoonish and minstrely performance in that post-apocalyptic comedy. Nervous and edgy, he was practically never standing still one moment in the film – pretty much the same way Dee Jay is meant to fight. Give him some rat-tail extensions and tracksuit pants and he’s pretty much on call ready to go.
Oliver Platt as Zangief
Who should play the brawny, bear-wrestling Russian mad man? Oliver Platt! Sure he’ll have to turn all that jelly into rockhard muscles and abs, but he’s a thespian, so a couple of issue’s of “Men’s Health” and a trainer and he should be fine. If not, there’s always muscle suits or CGI. Weta’s been quiet lately, haven’t they?
Benicio Del Toro as Blanka
Ok, he’s a Brazilian mutant (accent, check) who gets so fucking annoyed he sparkles with electricity when he fights. What takes real acting is sitting in a chair for 4-5 hours in uber-uncomfortable prosthetic make-up and hair and then pretending to not act like a total perturbed fucking asshole on a movie set for 12 hours a day for 4-6 weeks (no really, they should give out awards for being able to sustain this torture; now you know why Eddie Murphy is constantly seeking out transexuals; shit manifests itself in strange ways). Since Del Toro is already going to be well-prepared for this cosmetic agony having already played the boogie man Wolf Man, might as well cast him while he’s acclimated, no? Any other actor will probably give you a half-ass and removed performance. Del Toro? He’d be a pro; hanging out on set, joking with the grips, smoking those cigars he got from playing Che and probably bring a relaxed atmosphere to the production. Perfect.
Mola Ram from “Temple of Doom” as Dhalsim
Wait, how will you coax him for the part of the Indian pacifist who’d rather not fight, but when pressed will elongate his arms to punch your teeth in? Easy. Fly to the Ganges, offer him the heart of some useless white chick (come to NY, dime a dozen), and or those cheap Crystal Skulls (wait, 2 month for Ebay), and voila, he’s off to Hollywood for 8 weeks of wire-fu work and fun in the sun. How to manage his ravenous bloodlust and constant need for nubile sacrifices? He’ll likely be dazzled by all the starlet choices he can offer to the gods that he’ll be assuaged enough for the few weeks he’s needed on set.
Vinne Jones as Sagat
If it weren’t for the existence of Vinnie Jones, many a comic-book/video game/cartoon movie adaptation would have to suffer hiring ex-jocks who can’t act their way out of a paper bag (99% of them). Thankfully Jones has flair, charisma and can emote. He’s also as large as fuck, so he’s perfect (see The Juggernaut in the X-Men movies). Sagat is gigantic, blind in one eye and from Thailand. Rip off his shirt, put on an eye patch and have Jones affect a basic Thai accent and we’re ready to roll.
Margaret Cho as E. Honda
Hey, if it worked for Cate Blanchett in “I’m Not There,” why not flip the gender script once more? Get Cho to play Edmondo the Japanese sumo wrestler and inject some comic relief into this thing. Plus this comedienne in a buffet line can’t be that different from Honda’s pattented ‘hundred violent sumo hands’ maneuver. Hiya!
Owen Wilson as Ken
Ok, let’s up the A-list factor a little bit and why not achieve that via the butterscotch stallion. Wilson already knows some Mexico judo, and his fun-loving, carefree approach to memorizing lines, acting and actually appearing on set might keep the other actors on their toes and at the top of their game.
Josh Holloway as Guile
Sure, you’d be subverting the beefcake factor by asking the “Lost” hunk to chop or at least coif his locks in the ridiculous manner that this U.S. colonel does, but the prospect of having him extra cut and shirtless for at least 90 minutes should lure in the married-and-bored chick factor that seems to adore him to death.
Before we end this post, let’s take a moment of silence to cherish the brilliance that was casting Kylie Minogue as the waify British assassin character Cammy in the original “Street Fighter” movie. Sheer genius.
OK I’m going to rain on your parade and call you out on the Margaret Cho comment. First off, have you seen her recently? Because that picture looks like it’s a couple years old. She is ridiculously hot. And not fat. At all.
It’s totally true. We found an old picture on purpose for the sake of slanted comedy (that’s slanted in our favor; not a racial joke). We ran out of ideas and that’s all we had. The piece is called the UN-PC guide. Most of our comedy is meant to be unfair.