In Theaters: ‘Thor’ Brings The Hammer Down On ‘Something Borrowed’

Guys, guys, guys, I KNOW. I know “Fast Five” is still in theaters and all we want to do is go back and watch it 5 million more times. Has there ever been another film that has latched itself into our nation’s consciousness so firmly and so quickly? God bless and keep Justin Lin, and thank you baby Jesus they ripped “Terminator” out of McG‘s sweaty fists and handed it over to this true artist. Action movies have been saved! So if last weekend was the first official start of summer blockbuster season (ALREADY?) this weekend really cements it as “Thor” brings the hammer down in the First Comic Book Movie in the Summer of Comic Book Movies. Marvel is on the MOVE this summer, with “Thor” being the first of their babies to debut at the box office. For those ladies who don’t love a Hemsworth sesh, there’s the rom com “Something Borrowed,” and on the urban wedding-com side, “Jumping the Broom,” and a bunch of interesting and buzzworthy selections in limited release. So pick your Cinco de Mayo-hungover self up off the couch and deposit your ass into one of these theater seats.

Swoonworthy Chris Hemsworth does his best Viking (seriously though, it should have been Alexander Skarsgård) this weekend in “Thor.” Natalie Portman (by decree, in 2011 it is required that Natalie Portman is on the big screen every weekend) co-stars as his human love interest and a host of actors back them up in Kenneth Branagh‘s first foray into comic book action, including the always great Idris Elba, Anthony Hopkins, Tom Hiddleston, Stellan Skarsgård, Ray Stevenson, Kat Dennings as comic relief and more. Our review says the film is “a pleasant surprise…on the better end of the Marvel scale to date,” and that “it’s hard not to walk out without a part of you looking forward to Thor crossing paths with his counterparts next summer.” Rotten Tomatoes: 81% Metacritic: 58

Kate Hudson continues to corner the Bridezilla market in “Something Borrowed” co-starring Ginnifer Goodwin, John Krasinski and some other hunk o’ beef. Jesus Christ, another movie where the entire plot conflict hinges on one person not telling another person something. Did Allan Loeb write this?! Our review says the story is “a hollow one, filled with unlikable characters and dialogue from someone who likely quotes wisdom from Cosmo. If you thought that ‘Sex and the City 2‘ had too much substance, this is the movie for you.” Seriously though, I’ll probably rent this and watch it alone in shame. Not gonna lie. RT: 12% MC: 36

It’s a culture clash as two sets of families get together in Martha’s Vineyard for a wedding in “Jumping the Broom.” Summer’s here, must be wedding season! Angela Bassett, Paula Patton and Loretta Devine head up the large ensemble cast. RT: 48% MC: 58

In Limited Release:
In what was supposed to be tragic Mel Gibson‘s comeback, Jodie Foster‘s “The Beaver” opens in limited release, about a man who can only communicate through his beaver puppet while going through a traumatic divorce. There’s a joke to be made here about beaver puppets and those notorious voicemails, but that seems cheap at best. Anton Yelchin and Jennifer Lawrence co-star. Our review says the film “is not a bad effort in the least; it has its enjoyable moments, its laughs and its poignant turns, but it isn’t a wholeheartedly engaging film either.” RT: 70% MC: 59

Who doesn’t love an infidelity drama to give you the warm n’ fuzzies? Keira Knightley, Sam Worthington, Guillaume Canet and Eva Mendes struggle with temptation in “Last Night,” Iranian-American screenwriter Massy Tadjedin‘s feature directorial debut. Our review from Tribeca says, “the true crime of the picture might just be how bland it is, it’s not a egregious picture by any means, just a very forgettable one.” RT: 50% MC: 55

Rutger Hauer stars in the film with the most self-explanatory title of the year: “Hobo With A Shotgun.” Not much more you really need to know than that, and you will not be surprised to know that this is based on one of the fake trailers shot for “Grindhouse.” Our review says, ‘Hobo’ “resembles the most upsetting of the video nasties, the films found in the most dimly-lit area of your VHS rental outlet, reserved for cheap films that so shamelessly utilized low-budget aesthetics and morals that you came in looking for cheap thrills and came out needing a bath,” but that it’s “one of the few counterculture curios of recent years that honestly feels like it isn’t made by the faceless, tasteless fools in charge.” RT: 76% MC: 63

Megan Fox and Mickey Rourke star in “Passion Play,” and Rourke can’t even bring himself to advocate for this flick. Let’s just say Megan Fox plays a beautiful circus sideshow freak with angel wings who falls into a relationship of sorts with a jazz trumpeter on the run from a gangster played by Bill Murray. Oy. Our review says the film is “sophomoric, pedestrian and hokey beyond words.” RT: 7% MC: 16

Kat Dennings (two for two this weekend!) plays a randy, bored teenager stuck in the boonies in “Daydream Nation,” starting up a love triangle with her hunky teach Josh Lucas (don’t blame her!) and the small town hottie. Andie McDowell, Rachel Blanchard and Reece Thompson co-star. Our review says the film feels like an, “especially average afterschool special that happens to contain decent actors and a sizable music budget.” RT: 50% MC: 54

Dougray Scott investigates the religious life and mysteries of his father (Wes Bentley, haha) in “There Be Dragons,” co-starring Charlie Cox, Olga Kurlyenko and Rodrigo Santoro in the flashbacky bits. Oh this movie: priests, Spanish Civil War, Hungarian revolutionaries. Not sure why there are dragons in the title, but then again I’m not sure about anything concerning this movie right now. RT: 13% MC: 31

Jessica Alba stars as an OCD math teacher in dramedy “An Invisible Sign.” Heartwarming! Quirky! No one who looks like Jessica Alba would ever teach math! Chris Messina and J.K. Simmons co-star. RT: 0% (ouch!)

New It Girl Elizabeth Olsen makes her non-Sundance debut in haunted house horror flick “The Silent House,” so us plebes can get our first taste of fresh Olsen flesh. Mmm, Olsens. RT: 78%

Also in limited release: Brothers Daniel and Diego Vega bring their Jarmusch and Kaurismaki-influenced deadpan humor to the screen in their Cannes selection “Octubre” RT: 75%; Robert Loggia in a heartwarming coming-of-age family reunion flick “Harvest” RT: 83%; Koji Wakamatsu‘s latest indictment of Japan’s fascist past “Caterpillar” RT: 100%; Vera Farmiga, Keisha Castle-Hughes and Gaspard Ulliel in period winemaking fantasy “The Vintner’s Luck.”