Neil Marshall’s Edgelordy ‘Hellboy’ Is A Dreadful, Juvenile Mess [Review]

Apart from creator Mike Mignola, and maybe the bean counters at Lionsgate, two people, in particular, are going to feel intensely mixed emotions about the abysmal new “Hellboy” movie opening this week. Oscar-winning director Guillermo Del Toro and star Ron Perlman brought “Hellboy” to life in two entertaining films that brought joy to a lot of audiences, but their mooted trilogy-capper was scrapped in favor of a reboot with supposedly better financial optics. Considering what a dreadful wash the new version is, Perlman may enjoy a hearty schadenfreude howl, and GDT will probably lament what might’ve been, but ultimately, the duo will most certainly be disheartened to learn their highly-anticipated third installment was passed over for an obnoxiously loud and painfully dull revamp. The attempt here to usher in a new era of the beloved demon is so misguided and dismal, the pair won’t know whether to laugh or cry.

Director Neil Marshall’s (who’s looking more and more like a one-hit wonder following 2005’s “The Descent”) “Hellboy” is a juvenile mess that one could convincingly believe was made by an edgelordy 13-year-old pleased as punch he’s gotten away with an R-Rating. The film’s poorly written “Deadpool”-inspired humor is appalling, the incoherent narrative that relies heavily on cheap exposition is calamitous, and the gratuitous, grotesque violence employed throughout conveys a complete misunderstanding of the character and who the film was made for.

The disjointed narrative makes for a perplexing plot too, but essentially “Hellboy “(David Harbour) is a half-demon tasked with tracking down and exterminating supernatural monsters. Working alongside a team of humans led by his adopted father Professor Broom (Ian McShane), Hellboy finds himself caught between the humans who seek to destroy him out of fear and the hellish imps that threaten his world. Matters only get worse of course when an evil sorceress, Nimue the Blood Queen (Mila Jovovich), is resurrected seeking to wipe out all humanity.

Tonally witty and irreverent just like the comics, the original two “Hellboy” movies also featured so much superb craft: a visually immersive identity and distinct world, elaborate backdrops, striking costumes, fantastical creatures; every design was carefully conceived and detailed to perfection. “Hellboy” (2019) is devoid of such personality and care. Each set piece is poorly composited against a green screen with cartoonishly plastic-looking CGI monsters that feel as though they were pulled straight out of the world of “Shrek.” One creature, in particular, may as well have been Beebop and Rocksteady from “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” doubling as Rita Repulsa’s henchman in Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. Mila Jovovich’s maniacal cackling sorceress is so outlandishly overwrought she gives Elizabeth Banks legendarily pitiable performance in “Power Rangers” (she actually played Rite Repulsa) a run for her money. Trying to find inspiration in a lot of modern hits rather than carving out its own voice, “Hellboy” so desperately longs to be the satanic little brother to “Thor: Ragnarok,” however sparse action sequences fueled by Mötley Crüe are laughable in comparison. That said, two of the film’s legitimate action sequences are mildly amusing and impressively staged as one takes. However, due to poor visual effects, the result is more absurd than exciting. All of this points to a more significant problem with the film which is a tonal inconsistency driven by a directionless script and worst of all; it’s such a drag.

The “Hellboy” storytelling is incredibly haphazard and doesn’t ever paint a clear direction of where things are headed. On top of long-winded exposition, the wandering narrative abuses an ungodly amount of flashbacks that regularly grind whatever momentum the film had to a halt. The result is an endlessly uninteresting series of apocalyptic monologues that are enough to make your eyes glaze over (though you’re maybe jolted alive by the occasional obnoxious outburst from David Harbour, who usually punctuates such a scene).

There’s absolutely no soul, intimacy or texture to the characters, and all that is offered is character profiles in flashbacks. This lack of development is especially frustrating when it comes to “Hellboy” himself. Harbour’s demon spawn has moments of charm but can ultimately be reduced to an angsty teen pivoting uncontrollably from mumble to tantrum in such overblown fashion— there is no middle ground it’s either one extreme or the other. It quickly becomes irritable, and certainly derails the wave of success the underrated Harbour is currently riding.

“Hellboy” tries so bloody hard to abuse its R-rating to the fullest and that’s not a compliment. Unlike “Deadpool” or “Logan” that both illustrated valid reasons and ultimately earned their R-Rating, “Hellboy” unleashes an utterly unnecessary amount of demonic violence in which countless civilians are decapitated, skewered and ripped in half all while delivering the most dimwitted dialogue in an attempt at humor. This needless bloodshed numbs the senses, and after the fifth forced f-bomb, it’s hard to believe anyone over the PG-13 age limit actually wrote this movie. And therein lies the true problem, “Hellboy” is ultimately a big dumb PG-13 tale trying to pointlessly squeeze its way into an R-rated body for the most stupid and adolescent reasons.

“Hellboy” (2019) reads like filmmakers so concerned with distancing themselves from Guillermo Del Toro’s well-loved films that they forgot to make a good movie. This nastier, harder-edged and devil-horned metal 2019 iteration is the equivalent of Michael Bay handling a CW show, but never even remotely living up to that ludicrous, potentially fun premise. Admittedly, Marshall stages the occasionally kinetic action sequences, and Harbour lands a handful of good moments, but the sluggish pace, unintelligible narrative, try-hard mentality and lack of vision creates an even deeper longing for what might have been in Del Toro’s third film. In the end, “Hellboy” is a juvenile delinquent you want to slap and a colossal mess that damages the brand, the character and probably breaks the heart of its more well-intentioned cinematic forbearers. [D-]