This week marks the less-than-eagerly awaited release of "Alex Cross," which sees inexplicably popular drag artist Tyler Perry take up the mantle of the titular police psychologist played by Morgan Freeman in "Kiss The Girls" and "Along Came A Spider." There are many amusing/baffling things about the film, but perhaps first among them is the poster tagline: "Don't Ever Cross Alex Cross." Presumably thought up by a frazzled intern during a toilet break after alternatives like 'Don't Make Alex Cross Cross," "You're Across From A. Cross" and "Cross Alex Cross Alex Cross Cross Cross," it'll be impressive if anything dumber appears on a movie poster this year.
To pay tribute to the so-dumb-it's-brilliant splendor of the line, we've picked out ten of our favorite bizarre, ridiculous or just plain crappy tag-lines from the past, and you can check them out over the next few pages. Did we miss your favorite? Let us know in the comments section.
1. "The Day Of The Dolphin"
"Unwittingly, he trained a dolphin to kill the President of the United States."
Look, it was a silly premise anyway, but it's not really doing itself any favors with the word "unwittingly" (the film, directed by Mike Nichols, is kind of fun, though).
2. "Earthquake"
"An event…"
We almost feel sorry for poor the self-esteem of "Earthquake." Was "Airport" bullying it or something?
3. "Faster"
"Slow Justice Is No Justice."
We really hope no one at CBS Films' marketing department ever has to do jury service.
4. "The Flesh Eaters"
"The only people who will not be STERILIZED with FEAR are those among you who are already DEAD!"
Sterilized? You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
5. "Hombre"
"Hombre means man. Paul Newman is Hombre."
Thanks for clearing that one up. We hope we get a knock-off of this for the poster for the "Arrested Development" movie. "Hermano means brother. Michael Bluth is Hermano."
6. "Octopussy"
"Nobody does it better… thirteen times."
We can't quite pinpoint what's grammatically wrong with this sentence, but there's definitely something up. Also, "Octopussy" was ten Bond films ago?
7. "Running With Scissors"
"Don't disturb them. They already are."
Wait, what? And yet, somehow the tagline is still better than the movie.
8. "Silent Rage"
"Science created him. Now Chuck Norris must destroy him."
Sadly, the plot of the film doesn't actually involve the actor Chuck Norris having to track down and kill a test-tube baby, so it could only ever be a let down.
9. "The Specialist"
"The government taught him to kill. Now he's using his skills to help a woman seek revenge against the Miami underworld."
Guys, that's not a tagline, that's a treatment.
10. "Tourist Trap"
"Every year young people disappear."
This definitely feels like another line got left off by mistake.
"This year, the holidays come faster" *giggle*
Missing from this list is the double-whammy of *two* taglines from the single one-sheet for the misbegotten 1999 David Spade/Sophie Marceau rom-com LOST & FOUND. First, the treatment-esque "A comedy about a guy who would do anything to get the girl of his dreams — and did!" capped off by… wait for it… "One of these dogs must be Spade."
Oh come on. "Unwittingly, he trained a dolphin to kill the President of the United States"? That's incredible and you know it.
How about Sucker Punch : "YOU WILL BE UNPREPARED". Indeed, most of us were.
Re: the Octopussy tag, it is kind of awkward, but they were facing pressure from the rival Connery-starring Bond film Never Say Never Again, so a lot of the marketing focused on Octopussy being the real/official Bond film, by associating itself with all the previous EON produced ones; the theatrical trailer actually lists the titles of all 12 past Bond films.
Oliver, while I really like the basic thrust of this article—dumb movie titles—I deplore the cheap shots at Tyler Perry's breaking into more serious acting. A few years ago I didn't even know who he was and now, with several well-received comedies to his credit, Perry is moving into a different strata with the more serious Alex Cross movie. While "Don't cross . . ." is definitely dumb too, and I am so not a James Patterson fan, your opening salvo really just makes me angry.
I hope you're not this irresponsible in your writing generally, so I'll be watching and reading.
This got me so good. Funny stuff.
I don't know if it was on a poster or not but the tagline to the 2010 Clash of the Titans was just hilariously lacking in creativity: "TITANS WILL CLASH!". I was slightly disappointed when we didn't get a tagline of "TITANS WILL WRATH" this year.
So happy to see you guys recognized The Specialist, that "tagline" is so bizarre and neverending it seems unreal- in the best way of course. I still remember laughing out loud the first time I read it. And yea that Alex Cross tagline is god awful.
Don't forget Volcano.
"The coast is toast".
From Paris with Love: Two agents. One city. No merci.
Dear Lord -.-
The Octopussy tagline refers to the war between Bonds of 1983. That year there was also the remake of Thunderball starring Connery, Never Say Never Again. Octopussy's tagline simply says that people should trust the producers of the 'original' films, not the spoofs or the remake.
How about Cocktail's "When he pours, he reigns"? Not sure if this is so bad it's good, or just plain bad. Probably just plain bad.
I'd like to submit the French-Canadian film "Incendies," whose tagline is hilariously over-literal: "The search began at the opening of their mother's will."
Yep, funny stuff.
Past precedent suggests there are gonna be multiple comments along the lines of ZOMG PLAYLIST Y U MAKE JOKES???? I COME HERE 4 TEH NEWS NOT UR STOOPID JOKES!!!!!!, so I'll just say I think this is hilarious.