Box Office Options March 13-15: ‘Alexander The Last,’ ‘Sunshine Cleaning,’ Last House On The Left,’ ‘Race To Witch Mountain’

First up is what looks to be a pretty lame remake of the Wes Craven thriller “The Last House on the Left.” Apparently, someone decided this cult film needed a major redo so that it could be given a thick coat of varnish with the insipid Eli Roth brush. First time director Dennis Iliadis helms the retread which stars Tony Goldwyn (“Nixon”), Monica Potter (“Patch Adams”) and Sara Paxton (“Superhero Movie”). The 42% rating seems a little generous, but maybe it’s not so bad?

Seeking to limbo right under that low bar is “Miss March,” a broad comedy from Zach Cregger and Trevor Moore, two of the guys behind “The Whitest Kids U’ Know.” Cregger awakens from a four year coma to discover his high school girlfriend has grown up to be a Playboy centerfold. This leads to hilarious hijinks as the duo infiltrate the Playboy mansion in hopes of winning the girl back and completing the prom night tryst that was interrupted by a head injury. The pic doesn’t have a rating on the Tomatometer yet, but who can’t relate to this story?

Rounding out the weekend’s wide releases is another remake, this time of the classic family movie “Race to Witch Mountain.” Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson (“Doom”) plays a taxi driver who gets mixed up with two children with supernatural powers and the team must halt an alien invasion. The 45% rating at RT doesn’t inspire confidence.

As usual, though this week’s wide releases fail to inspire, there are scads of exciting smaller features. First up, a treat for those of you who 1) are fans of mumblecore and 2) have OnDemand. Director Joe Swanberg (“Hannah Takes the Stairs”) debuts his new film, “Alexander the Last,” this weekend at SXSW and concurrently via the IFC OnDemand service. The film stars Bishop Allen dreamboat Justin Rice (“Mutual Appreciation”) and Jess Weixler (“Teeth”) in an exploration of the psychosexual ramifications of marriage, presumably with some graphic sexual content [ed. Weixler is a local Brooklyn neighb-friend. She’s great, go support this movie. We know we’ll give it a spin].

For the not quite so self-obsessed, there’s “The Cake Eaters,” actress Mary Stuart Masterson’s (“Benny and Joon”) directorial debut. Kristen Stewart (“Twilight”) plays a teenage girl with a neurological disorder who, smothered by her overbearing mother, begins a relationship with an artist named Beagle (Aaron Stanford, “The Hills Have Eyes”). Parallel to this, Stewart’s grandmother, played by Elizabeth Ashley (“Evening Shade”) carries on an affair with Beagle’s father Easy (Bruce Dern, “King of Marvin Gardens”) as Jayce Bartok’s character (who also wrote the script) returns to town. Critics are enamored of the film and Stewart in particular as it holds an 86% rating currently. Worth a look, perhaps [ed. we wish we would have seen this in advance, it looks good].

Getting slightly less glowing reviews is “The Edge of Love,” a work of historical fiction about the Welsh poet Dylan Thomas. Directed by John Maybury (“The Jacket”), the film tells the story of Thomas (played by Matthew Rhys of “Brothers and Sisters”) and two female love interests, played by Keira Knightley and Sienna Miller as they live together in pre-war London. Cillian Murphy (“Batman Begins”) arrives to complicate the situation by marrying one of the women and wrecking the happiness of the little group. With a 59% rating, it’s hardly revolutionary but it might not be a total waste of your time.

Elsewhere, there’s the happy-looking “Sunshine Cleaning” which stars Amy Adams (“Enchanted”) and Emily Blunt (“The Devil Wears Prada”) as two estranged sisters who, after a series of setbacks, open a maid service that specializes in cleaning up crime scenes. Alan Arkin (“Little Miss Sunshine”) as the girls’ father. Fans of ‘LMS’ might like this feature–and the 74% doesn’t hurt either. We haven’t had time to spit out a review yet, but we didn’t love it and think that grade is bordering on way too generous. There’s some winning characters and performances and the first act is great (Clifton Collins Jr. is particularly great and Adams is always spectacular), but what begins as not-as-quirky as you’d imagine indie that’s loose and charming, soon devolves into a lot of loose ends up tied up in a bow with some offputting flashbacks. We’d probably give it a B- grade overall.

The highest-rated feature opening this weekend is “Three Monkeys,” which has a stunning 96% rating on the ol’ Tomatometer from Turkish director Nuri Bilge Ceylan. The film has garnered comparisons to Bunuel and Haneke as it examines the hypocrisy and infidelities of a middle-class family that hopes to be on the rise. Probably your best bet for the weekend. For a slightly lighter examination of a similar subject, you could also check out “Tokyo Sonata” from J-horror director Kiyoshi Kurosawa. The film tells the story of a middle-class businessman who loses his job but, unable to bring himself to admit this to his family, pretends to go to work every day. Reviews are excellent, with a 91% score as of now and we have to concur. We saw it last year and thought it was pretty amazing too.

There’s a few more options out there in limited release: the dark, fantasy noir “The Perfect Sleep” which tells the story of a hero known as the Mad Monk protecting the woman he loves from danger. There’s also “Severed Ways,” a historical epic about the clash between Vikings, Irish and Native Americans in the New World (with a heavy metal soundtrack). Finally, there’s “Waiting for Dublin,” an adventure-romance that tells the story of a WWII fighter pilot who makes an ill-advised bet with Al Capone’s nephew about the number of German aircraft he can down and then must make good.

Documentary-wise, there’s “Sex Positive,” which profiles early safe sex advocate Richard Berkowitz in his quest to increase the use of condoms amongst the homosexual community. You could also check out “Carmen and Geoffrey,” a profile of two artists who played a major part in creating the modern dance landscape.

That’s a pretty impressive selection for one weekend — well, if you live in a limited release town — so get out there and get that superhero residue out of your system! Or rent if ‘Witch Mountain’ and or (blech) a second screening of “Watchmen” are your only options.