You know us —it’s all sunshine and buttercups round here. Almost every other day of the year, we can be found frolicking in the bee-loud glades of cinephilia, delighting in the wonders on display with the unjaded eyes of gurgling infants. But very rarely, we stray to the Dark Side, and today is such a day, one given over to calling out the most ignominious and faith-destroying films of the year so far.
If “best” is subjective, “worst” is just as much so, but with added vitriol. So we’re prepared for a little hate over the inclusion of some of the below (time-pinched trolls may just wish to skip to the comments section now, as we can exclusively *SPOIL* that “Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice” does indeed figure on this list, and in a high position at that.)
READ MORE: The Best Films Of 2016 So Far
But as much as we regularly fling ourselves in front of bullets for our beloved readers, we literally could not find anyone willing to tackle a few of the titles that our peers suggested might be contenders, including: faith-based flicks “Miracles From Heaven” and “God’s Not Dead 2” (which we avoided partly because those films chose such uninspired titles that the likes of “God’s Not Deader” or “God’s Still Not Dead” or “God: Dead and Lovin’ It!” would have been much more delightful); misbegotten kiddie animation/video game adaptation “Ratchet & Clank“; and the apparently dire “Cabin Fever” remake, which has the dubious distinction of a 0% Rotten Tomatoes rating. Other than that, almost every film that got some sort of a U.S. release since the beginning of January was considered fair game. So these are the 15 worst that we saw, boasting several superheroes, a couple of sequels and, fittingly, more than one prosthetic ballsack. You have been warned.
15. “Precious Cargo”
Perhaps, since not a soul saw the outstandingly craptacular “Precious Cargo,” we shouldn’t include it here. But we cannot pass up the opportunity to talk about Mark-Paul Gosselaar‘s tragically hopeful bid for leading man credibility, as well as the script, which was presumably cooked up by a pair of overstimulated 12-year-old boys at camp the summer before they discovered girls. That would explain the forced, tryhard misogyny of the dialogue and plot points which imply only the vaguest understanding of female anatomy or biology, let alone psychology. Also starring Claire Forlani (making this the “Saved by the Bell“/”Press Gang” mash-up you were correct to never want) as a duplicitous sexpot with a line on a cache of diamonds, the biggest name here is actually villain Bruce Willis, who if the blocking of most scenes can be believed, apparently spent no more than 4 hours filming, most of which without his scene partners present. But who can blame him, when director Max Adams and DP Brandon Cox are apparently intent on lighting and shooting him so he most resembles a Thanksgiving turkey, which is appropriate because his performance is less “phoning it in” than “awaiting slaughter with dead-eyed resignation.” It’s actually pretty hilarious.
14. “Hardcore Henry” [Original Review]
‘It’s like watching someone else play a video game’ goes a common criticism of your average special effects-heavy blockbuster, and one that could apply to a number of films on this list. But none seem to court the description as aggressively, or capture the feeling so perfectly, as Russian director Ilya Niashuller’s first-person action sci-fi “Hardcore Henry.” A film that caused a bit of a fuss at TIFF last year before flopping spectacularly in theaters, it tells a generic story through the eyes of the part-robotic Henry, who’s been brought back to life as a mute killing machine, and sets out to rescue his wife (Haley Bennett) with the aid of the mysterious Jimmy (Sharlto Copley). And that’s basically it. There are some twists and turns, mostly in an unpleasant, misanthropic way. And the action is admittedly well choreographed, but it’s relentless and splattery in a way that sees your eyes gloss over in about fifteen minutes. Deeply puerile, hollow and gimmicky, it actually leaves you at the end feeling like the term ‘like watching someone else play a video game’ is unfair, to video games —there’s more artfulness or invention in a demo of “Bioshock” or “Dishonored” than in all 96 obnoxious minutes of “Hardcore Henry.”
13. “The Forest” [Original Review]
It’s hard to believe that a cheapie horror movie starring a TV actress and saddled with a dump-month release from a first-time director (Jason Zada) could possibly be not-amazing. But stay your gasps of surprise, because here’s “The Forest!” Starring Natalie Dormer (“Game of Thrones,” “The Tudors“), who in fairness is so watchable she almost salvages it, this is unscary horror, a unthrilling thriller and a psychodrama with only a tenuous grip on psychology. So rote that even those few elements that aren’t worn-out cliches feel tired, the story concerns identical twins Sara and Jess (both played by Dormer). After Jess gets lost in Aokigahara, Japan’s notorious “suicide forest,” Sara, to whom Jess is mystically connected in time-honored twinnish fashion, goes on a rescue mission. Despite the dire, cryptic, broken-English warnings of the locals, Sara ends up stumbling interminably through the haunted forest with dubiously motivated hunk Aiden (Taylor Kinney), and they are met only by a Lost Japanese Schoolgirl™ who delivers dire warnings in cryptic broken English. Between the unterrifying, “The Forest” and Gus van Sant‘s unedifying “Sea of Trees,” which shares a location and distinct lack of quality control, it appears that Aokigahara is also where movie concepts go to die.
12. “Search Party” [Original Review]
If you were being generous, you might let “Search Party” slide on charges of cravenly copying the Todd Phillips broad comedy formula, given that its writer-director Scot Armstrong co-wrote films like “Old School” and “The Hangover Part II” for the director. But that’s about all you could forgive it for. Particularly constructed in “The Hangover” mould, Armstrong’s directorial debut (shot back in 2013 and shelved for nearly three years) sees the marriage of Nardo (Thomas Middleditch of “Silicon Valley”) disrupted by his best friends (Adam Pally and T.J. Miller, also of “Silicon Valley”), who wrongly believe that he’s gotten cold feet. Weeks later, they get a call: Nardo went in search of his former fiancee, but is now lost and naked south of the border. There’s plenty of good comic actors at work here: not just the three headliners, but also J.B. Smoove, Jon Glaser, Jason Mantzoukas, Kristen Ritter and Alison Brie, but all are wasted to varying degrees (Brie especially is weighed down by the film’s shitty approach to female characters). But they just feel adrift amid baggy, aimless scenes that serve as a vacuum of laughs in a film that barely has enough material for a sitcom episode stretched out to an seemingly endless 90 minutes. Fortunately, audiences were wise: the film made less than $5000 in theaters.
11. “Zoolander 2” [Original Review]
If “Zoolander 2” has an upside, it’s that it makes the crushing disappointment of “Anchorman 2” a few years ago seem like a triumph. Ben Stiller‘s absurd fashion-world satire was never on the same level as Ron Burgundy’s first adventure, but it had plenty of solid jokes to the extent that its cult following is more or less justified. But the long-gestating sequel is a lazy, empty disappointment that barely scrapes together any good jokes despite being written by four top comedy writers (Stiller plus Justin Theroux, John Hamburg and Nicholas Stoller). Seeing the titular model lured, with pal Hansel (Owen Wilson) out of retirement to solve a series of pop star murders, the film attempts to paper over giant holes in the material by stuffing it with celebrity cameos. None of those cameos feel particularly zeitgeisty —there’s a sense that the script was written a decade ago and then shelved, right down to the “Da Vinci Code” riff that the plot is based around— and few bits are remotely funny (it’s a serious problem when Kiefer Sutherland is the funniest thing in your comedy). Even Kristen Wiig and Will Ferrell can’t liven it up. A much more honest title would have been “Zoolander 2: Will This Do?”
BvS at no.2? Thats just some pandering BS.
… To whom? Not everything is a conspiracy or a click-bait take-down, some things are just bad.
But this isn’t one of those cases. There’s no way in hell that movie even belongs on this list – unless you’re one of the many sobbers that still can’t over that the film showed *GASP* Batman killed bad guys??? waaaahhh!!!
K.
My reaction Exactly :*
You all must not have seen My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2. Good for you.
I liked the first one! Didn’t quite bother with part 2, though.
No way in hell you actually believe BvS is worse than that turd Sandler flick or that atrocity Alice in Wonderland sequel. I get it, it’s the big Snyder flick and you guys would feel weird if you missed a chance to high five over anti-fanboy clickbait garbage, but seriously, you can do so much worse than that flick.
BvS on the worst list and not “Ghostbusters?”
oh don’t you know the new Ghostbusters is empowering
I agree, BvS was the only film here that did not deserve to be on the list. If they should have put anything on the list, it should have been God’s Not Dead 2
grrr… “God’s Not Dead” shows up in my Facebook list of movies, even though I haven’t seen it & never will. Can’t delete it either, which means that somebody paid facebook to promote it. Kevin Sorbo should go back to playing Hercules, and leave the religious movies to that former sitcom star who made the “Left Behind” movie. Not that I’d watch that either.
The Do-Over is amazing.
Emma Watson’s Colonia. Sweet Jesus, Colonia. It makes Regression look like a masterpiece. I’m not exaggerating.
“Time-pinched trolls”
The URL might’ve changed, but The Playlist remains the same.
Batman vs. Superman really wasn’t that bad. Unless you’re a Marvel stan and then it was The Worst Thing That You’ve Ever Seen or Will Ever See!11!!
the scene (and music) when superman saves the girl in the day of the day is absolutely haunting
This post brought to you by the word “nadir.”
we must be friends. I posted something similar before meeting you, oh soul-matey one.
Warcraft?
It’s on some lists but all of them because not everyone thinks it’s one of the worst movies of 2016.
WARCRAP is bad enough to make the top five. Ugh, what a disappointment Duncan Jones.
“Let us know what you hated most in the comments.”
Your Juvenile, amateurish self bored hate-filled troll diatribes
Oh Yee Nattering Nabobs of Negativity
Shailene Woodley sucks, and I am happy to see her flounder. I pray she never works in Hollywood again. And as for Gods Of Egypt, I can’t find a worse film this year.
a lot of americans despise SW because she told the truth about snowden
How about The Lobster…oh snap!
Haha!
You left out some truly crappy movies and BVS should not be anywhere near number 2. Your Snyder hatred is boring. He’s still doing Justice League so get over it.
This list sucks.
For the most part, yes. I was surprised Batman Vs Superman was in it, honestly.
Civil War should be near the top of this list.
it made a lot of people happy
Nadir. That is all.
This website is manned by faggots.
How can I tell?
YOU CAN’T PUT THE ENTIRE FUCKING LIST
ON ONE FUCKING PAGE
YOU WORTHLESS SHIT EATING FAGGOTS.
I object to the term shit-eating.
Yeah but they sure don’t.
So full of shit. Apocalypse was fun as hell. Dirty Grandpa was funny as fuck. I didn’t see the new Turtles movie, but the writer condemns it solely based on it being a stupid premised franchise (sorry, but people love TMNT, you can’t say the franchise has no merit), didn’t even say anything specific about why the movie failed.
Oh and Mr. Right was fucking awesome. Rockwell was amazing, RZA was rad, Kendrick was great. It was funny as hell. One of the best movies I’ve seen in a long time.
You condemned Hardcore Harry for the wrong reasons. I turned it off during the opening credits because it was obviously murder porn made for serial killers to get their kicks. It starts with random, anonymous people having their heads and necks cut open in slow motion set to fun music. But your criticism was that the story was too simple? Jesus. Your article makes me wanna actually watch the whole thing now. If this guy hated it, then it’s probably not that bad.
You are so wrong about Mr. Right. That movie sucked balls! I’d rather slit my wrists than walk into a room with that movie playing in the background. good god man.
Mr right was awesome Sam rockwell still got it! and i agree Kendrick was Hilarious. @Stiflab We all like different movies for different reasons. Just like everything else in the world.
remember the music that ruined his arms selling scene in IRON MAN 2
https://youtu.be/rRGZuTrmCBQ?t=4m27s
see the leaked trailer is better
I kinda wish they dropped the list closer to now so they could swap out one of these with Cell.
I am so disappointed and Angry with The Cell! I read that book twice, loved the book. The movie was a butchard nightmare .. Im shocked King let that POS be released !!
And this is what happens when feminist review films.
BvS wasn’t that bad to be considered the worse film of 2016. It had it’s flaws but to be the worse is just wrong. I still don’t understand why directors try to justify why they take different approaches to a story when the entire fan base is totally against it. The Lex character just ruined it and I myself, had to watch around it just to enjoy the film.
Well probably because there’ll be far more than just the comicbook fanbase that’ll be seeing and supporting the film.
Your assessments is the number one. ie Top of the list.
So after your Top Worst movies, you still had to compile all the OTHER films that could’ve made the list. Let’s see – what movies DID you like? When you hate that many movies, you may want to consider that maybe you’re not the best judge of them.
this is why I don’t go by ANYTHING ANYONE has to say about movies. #1 It is your opinion and not very good one at that , #2 do you enjoy anything or do you nitpick at every little detail in every movie! Look at what you are reviewing? When i what X Men or any superhero flick or cartoon turned into a live movie etc. I go in for entertainment and eye candy! ! Lighten up Lady and Get the stick out of your butt! The world is a scary place lately and with all the politics and hate crimes , I love to watch movies and escape from the reality of our world with an open mind and to have some fun! isnt that the point.. critics suck and Haters gonna hate ! Blah!
aren’t you just the greatest little self hater? the world is a scary place with all the hate crimes, so you like to watch movies that promote hate. makes sense.
You made a fair list and BvS deserves to be in the top five. I love Batman to death and still can’t give that movie a high grade. And no trolls a killer Batman and Snyder are not the reasons I didn’t enjoy the film. The plot was convoluted and the editing didn’t help matters among other issues. The fact that even fans of the movie give the extended cut such high praise and question the important scenes cut from the film gives credence to editing issues at the very least.
really? bvs was worse than warcraft? 5th wave? grimsby? you lost me there.
i saw BVS in the cinema i loved it especially JE as LL
empire magazine gave the Lance Armstrong biopic “The Program 4 stars
The weird thing about Divergent/Allegiant was it was supposed to be a two part movie, but the first part (Allegiant) covered the entire story. You make sense of it.
I almost took these movie reviews seriously until all the BS about the movies being sexist, racist, anti-feminist’. Reading this is like listening to a liberal arts lesbian b**ch about political correctness and white guilt. Movies are now judged based on whether there is a properly diverse cast and is PC friendly.
well, she’s writing the article and you are what… commenting? her opinions are published and your gripes are simply tacked on. have problems with women much? angry a little? as far as i could tell, she didn’t say anything about white guilt. thats your own little no longer unexpressed issue.
You have to understand that PC to Mr. Jeff means white middle class men miss the time when they could put down women and other races with no repercussions. Sharing governance and power with the rest of American cultures makes them feel like they are the real victims when all they have to do is look around and see 90 + percent of the power and money in this country is still controlled by them.
Suicide Squad should be on the list. First for the disappointing hype. Second for the 1980’s special effects. Third for the silly notion that bullets, boomerangs and a bat is enough to stop any super villain. Fourth for the pointless plot. Only Will Smith and Margot Robbie made the film bearable to watch to the end.
But how are they supposed to get a younger audience to watch the movie. If it doesn’t have outrageous shit kids wont watch it i should know i’m 17and have three younger brothers and we all watched suicide squad.
This is not an insult to your age but when you are old enough to see many more movies you’ll notice the production formula most movie studios are running into the ground. That is the same boring, unimaginative plots and acting you have seen a dozen times. It’ll get really old by the time you are twice your age.
Lost me the second it called Zoolander 2 an improvement over Anchorman 2. The whole article, even the few reviews that did in fact point out an actually terrible flick, was truly obnoxious.
The rest I agree, but X-Men: Apocalypse and Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice are not that Bad… granted not the best Box Office Movie but certainly does not deserve to be called the worst.
There were worse than BvS, Otherwise the author needs to stop attempting wit. I love all the racism lines but 3 guys dying in a plane crash over 50 years ago was rapier like wit?
I do agree with the whitewashing of “Gods of Egypt” though. How dare they use white actors to portray gods in a fantasy world based on a long dead religion from an area where there is so much genetic diversity the actors should have been gray. I come from a region very close to North Africa and were the stepping stones for every army, tradesmen, and others from all over the place. Yes, the cast should have been racial mutts, but the racism calls were not entirely intelligent either. Egypt is more culturally separate than racially different from other regions. Kind of like saying England and the USA are 2 different races.
At least Christianity and Judaism have been represented culturally in film…..
Batman vs. Superman felt like it was written by a committee of 8 year olds. And I actually fast-forwarded through Apocalypse. But I was sooooooo shocked when it turned out that Jean Grey was able to defeat the purple guy. Compleeeeetely unexpected.
The Neon Demon should be at the top of this list. Complete hyper-violent crap disguised as an art film.
I really really wanted to be with you on this list. I usually try to defend these things… but, how can you say that Cabin Fever can’t be counted but straight to Netflix movies like “The do-over” and clearly slapstick, turn your brain off movies like “Shades of Black” can be counted? Then you had the nerve to say that Batman versus Superman ( which had some really amazing moments, despite being over all lackluster) was number two on your list and Ghostbusters didn’t even make the top 10??
This can’t be a real list. I feel like this is trolling…
I am sure This list of worst movies is best rather then any other list.
http://www.viralblocks.com/2016/11/17/these-films-are-the-worst-of-the-worst-prettyfamous/
This list is stupid. Shit list. X-Men: Apocalypse doesn’t deserve to be on this list. And how could you put BvS below that dumb Adam Sandler shit flick? And how could you put X-Men: Apocalypse below Zoolander 2 and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Jessica Kiang and Oliver Lyttelton, you are both retarded. You both suck balls.
I loved BVS. Too many people use marvel movies as a template. People wanted to see a DC version of a marvel movie. DC is inherently darker. Metaphorically and literally. Anyone notice how in most marvel movies they always fight during the day? And then there are people that bitch about storylines. No one mentions how mcu totally erased “mutants” or that bane was nothing more than a henchman. A lot of people took their cues from critics, the fact that critics are still reviewing movies is laughable. The only people dumber are the ones that take their cues from them. The critics and people that gave movies like Sucker Punch, Spider-man 3, the phantom menace, daredevil and the abortion of a movie catwoman. The fact of the matter is if enough people are reading a movie isn’t good they start to believe it. God forbid people think for themselves. Im sorry that dc doesnt just puts together the movie for you piece by piece like marvel. The plot wasn’t bad, the weak spots are their choice for Lex and the martha part. The rest made for a great movie. The same thing with Suicide Squad. Everyone went in saying “try not to compare jokers” yet did it anyway. Sorry it didn’t fit into what you wanted the joker to be, but the joker is never supposed to fit anywhere..
Civil War should end #1 and Deadpool make that list… never saw a film so overrated with a poor story and zero replay value !
Hey I think you are harsh on Criminal. I thought that was a very good and entertaining movie. And don’t forget Independence Day: Resurgence. That movie was an abomination just like the Ben Hur Remake.
X-men:Apocalypse and The Do-Over, but especially The Do-Over, were awesome.
I cannot stress enough how anyone who liked Billy Madison should love The Do-Over, it is an amazing film and exactly what I have been waiting for from Adam Sandler and David Spade.