We wanted to name this feature the Lamest Looking Films of the 2007 Season, but we thought that might offend someone, but man do some of the films look so, so twee, fey, loathsome and capricious in a manner that just wants to make you punch someone in the face and ask yourself, “who in god’s name is watching these movies?” It’s doubtful any of these films will win any major awards, but it’s sadly almost certain they will invigorate the currently ailing boxoffice, cause lord knows America loves a vapid and fatheaded excuse for a film. Basically these are the films that most of the movie blogs are super-geeked about (*shudder*). Yes, we understand some of these films are not made for us, but still in some case, you’ve got to be joking.
“Beowulf”
Someone please put a bullet in Robert Zemeckis’ head. What is this thing? 3D, animated actors covered in milky fairy dust with heaving swords? We don’t give a shit if Neil Gaiman is writing this cause we really don’t give a shit about Neil Gaiman (fantasty nerds shudder in horror at the mere suggestion) Beowulf looks like it’s basically ‘Lord of the Rings’ for the gauzy, panty-hose, flambéd Final Fantasy-fetish crowd (people this look is really weird and kinda homoerotic, or erotic if one of those strange sexual types). Basically they’ve taken real actors, sauteed them in caramel-looking gossamered CGI aura for no apparent reason other than an aesthetic choice, and added dragons, boats, undersea battles, swords, sexy evil demons to boner up the nerds (Angelia Jolie) to put losers and the videogame crowd in seats. And did they really need to spend $150 million to make Angelina Jolie’s boobs bigger? The biggest CGI feat here is taking the portly Ray Winstone and chiseling him into a He-man like homohero.
“Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium”
This one is obviously aimed at kids – kids with no friends who can easily be duped by a creepy old man with the promise of toys- and anyone who’s ever watched that ‘Different Strokes’ episode with the guy from ‘WKRP in Cincinnati’, knows that never ends well- especially if your name is Dudley. We have to assume that Dustin Hoffman took this one for his great-great grand kids and that Natalie Portman wanted to work with Hoffman – or just lots of CGI special effects. And a well-placed source tells us that ex-Hogan Family star Jason Bateman only got involved because ‘Teen Wolf Too 2’ got shelved indefinitely. We are going to go out on a limb and guess that this movie is the career equivalent of a ‘bad touch’ for everyone involved. What’s even sadder is the Flaming Lips – they’ll do anything for a buck these days – in fact, just the other day we paid them 5 bucks to come over and play while we cleaned the apartment. They actually composed an original song for this thing (they’ll practically write one for anyone). The dancing Santa’s made it much harder than we’d anticipated.
“Enchanted”
Yes, we love Amy Adams, she’s completely adorable and you can’t help, but root for her (she’s even excellent in things like “Talladega Nights” where you would think serious acting isn’t required). The tagline for this one is ‘The real world and the animated world collide’ – so basically its “Who Framed Roger Rabbit,” but with a princess instead of a horny rabbit. Julie Andrews narrates this one, thus completing her 53-year contract she signed with Walt Disney when she did “Mary Poppins” back in the prohibition. In all frankness though, we must admit that if we were a 9 year-old-girl on the verge of an eating disorder, this movie would be right up our alley.
“The Golden Compass”
Is this film a story about the Coca Cola Polar Bears that were somehow anointed guardians of the silly universe? Or is it just the next Harry Potter McFranchise for bespectacled pre-pubescent teens somewhere between having their first confused erection and still dreaming about what Dumbledore had for breakfast (not roast beef that’s for sure). Let’s not forget the chemistry between Nicole Kidman and Daniel Craig (two of the lead actors). Aside from “Beowulf,” this might be the most wretched looking film of the season. The strangest thing about this film might be that it’s directed by Chris Weitz whose previous films have been all simple, feel-good, family dramedies (“About A Boy,” and he wrote “In Good Company” and “American Dreamz” while his brother Paul directed). Hey, Jon Favreau successfully made the leap from family comedies to CGI fantasy, but make no mistake about it, it’s a gigantic leap. Not to mention that the original story focused on killing God, but the studio had no backbone and changed the story JUST a bit – Since when isn’t deicide box office gold?
“Alvin and the Chipmunks”
Does Jason Lee have kids? And by “kids” we mean a massive cocaine habit to support – because that’s the only way to explain why he agreed to do this one. Perhaps he anticipated the writers strike and how “My Name Is Earl” was going to be put on the backburners of re-runs? We’re not exactly sure what made this former pro-skateboarder take this role. And is that the voice of the “Frontline” guy in the trailer?!?! Please, kill us now.
“I Am Legend”
Post-apocalyptic science fiction horror whatmacallit with Will Smith, wooooo! We won’t lie, the concept of NYC being destroyed is mildly appealing to us at times (especially in Times Square full of maximum capacity tourists), but the last man on earth? Let’s see Will Smith will probably skateboard around Manhattan all by his lonesome with some dog and then inadvertently bump into the monsters that have wiped out the planet. Somehow he’ll outsmart them, right? Consider us completely indifferent. Apparently a $5 million dollar scene – the most expensive scene to date in New York City – was shot on location on the Brooklyn Bridge so fans of blow-’em up real good action should check their brains at the door and get in line.
“National Treasure: Book of Secrets”
You’ve got to be kidding, right? Have you seen this trailer? It takes over-the-top pseudo-science stone masons, political conspiracy mumbo jumbo to a whole new level of absurdity and makes Tom Hanks ill-coiffed “The Da Vinci Code” mane look reasonable in comparison. Oh yeah, and it features “action-star” Nicolas Cage’s toupee. Christ, this looks like an abomination on every level. Moviegoers who actually enjoy this film should be photographed and fingerprinted by the government so they never conceive children. If you are looking forward to this film, contemplate suicide soon.
“Hitman”
Yet another POS videogame movie that no one (not even gamers) will care about. If the intended audience for ridiculous shoot-em-up film “Shoot ‘Em Up” (good title, right?) balked at that disastrous film, what are they going to think of this? Timothy Olyphant stars as a guy who shoots people and is being hunted by a mysterious ‘Agency.’ Can we hire this guy to murder everyone who pays to see this thing? Unless there is a “Burger Time” movie in the works, we don’t ever want to see another videogame adapted for the big screen.
“PS I Love You”
This movie has every single thing on my checklist of movies not to see. The trailer hurts and even insults the intelligence of women dying to revel in a shameless romantic comedy. Former “Friends” cast member? (CHECK) Harry Connick Jr.? (CHECK) Mandatory “all the good looking men are gay” joke in trailer? (CHECK) Movie haunted by loving memory of deceased loved one/ family member? (CHECK) ‘Group of women overcome man troubles’ subplot? (CHECK) Two-time Academy Award horseface winner (yeah, seriously) Hilary Swank plays a young widow discovers that her late husband (the uber-Irish and hairchestedly sensitive Gerard Butler) has left her 10 messages intended to help ease her pain and start a new life. She goes off to Ireland, does jigs, drinks Guinness, and acts out other insipidly stereotypical plans that her grossly romantic husband had planned for her. It doesn’t get more insufferable and nauseating than this one. Don’t get suckered into this one guys, this is basically the cinematic equivalent of having an NFL punter kick you in the groin (singer Nellie Mckay has a small role in this, nobody cares).
Thanks to Mr. Snruff, Nicole and JC for inadvertently contributing to this post.
We forgot to add “Sweeney Todd,” damn.